Freaking out…

I will be speaking to the congregation this Sunday but I am nowhere near ready.

Lord help me…

Hands On Manila – Servathon 2008

In coordination with Hands on Manila, Accenture Caring for Tomorrow participated in Servathon 2008 last October 11. We went to White Cross Children’s Home to paint the playroom and do some gardening. This was my first time to participate in this company initiative and I really enjoyed it. At first I wasn’t sure how to do it but in the long run, I got the hang of it and just enjoyed what I’m doing. I will definitely do it again next year.

Click on the image for bigger picture.

Must haves…

Last night, while waiting for the screening time of The Oxford Murders (As part of the Spanish Film Festival), I looked around MusicOne and Powerbooks for the CDs and Books that I can buy. I didn’t actually buy them, I just listed them down for the mean time until I have the “power” to buy them. Hehe. Do you think they are great buys or no?

1. Classical Heartbreakers (CD) – For the longest time now, I am meaning to buy a CD of classical music. Instrumental music are much better to listen to especially when I am working. Classical Heartbreakers is a two-disk compilation of soundtracks from movies like “Truly, Madly, Deeply”, “Somewhere In Time”, “The Hours”, “The Pianist”, “The GodFather”. “The Pianist”, “The English Patient”, and many more. Most, if not all, of these movies I haven’t really seen but I don’t think I will be disappointed. I forgot though how much it costs. Haha!

2. Into the Wild (DVD/Book) – The book is written by Jon Krakauer and the movie was directed by Sean Penn. I’m not really sure what made me curious about this movie (maybe something I read) but I am really looking forward to buy the DVD. BUt I also want to buy the book. Decisions, decisions. The book costs P835 while the DVD costs P375 (I think).

3. Angela’s Ashes, ‘Tis and Teacher Man (novels by Frank McCourt) – I always see Angela’s Ashes and ‘Tis in bookstores, even booksales and maybe that picked my curiosity to read them. A part of me is hesitant to buy it because I still have a lot of books in pile and adding three more might be exaggerating. Plus, I’m sure my mom will be psyched if she sees me bringing more and more books into the house. Haha! Decisions, desicions.

The Katinas Live in Manila

The Katinas Live in Manila

Missing…

And When Did You Last See Your Father?

Once again, I had the priviledge to watch European films during the 11th Cine Europa Festival here in Manila last September 11 to 21. It kinda suck because I was not able to watch the two films that I was really looking forward to see (After the Wedding and Love Songs). But I was able to watch 7 out of 15 movies so I guess it’s not that bad at all. Haha!

Anyway. Out of the seven films that I saw there was this one film that really struck me, big time. It is “And When Did You Last See Your Father?“, from United Kingdom, starring Jim Broadbent and Colin Firth. And that’s what I’ll be talking about.

The film is about Blake Morrison (Firth) and his conflicting memories of his dying father (Broadbent). As his father’s condition worsened Morrison contemplated their shared experiences, the intimacies and the irritations of their relationship. After his father’s death Morrison questions the nature of the bond between them, articulately expressing the contradictions, frustrations, love and loss bound into the complicated relationships which most of us have with our parents as we grow up.

This film is special to me primarily because of the voice over during the last scenes which stirred a great deal of thoughts and emotions in me. It goes like this:

When did you last see your father? Was it when they burned the coffin? Put the lid on it? When he exhaled his last breath? When he last sat up and said something? When he last smiled? When he last felt healthy? The last time you had an argument about something?

The weeks before he left us were like a series of depletions; each day we thought ‘he can’t get less like himself than this,’ and each day he did. So I’ve been trying to recall the last time I actually saw him, the last time he was unmistakably there, in the fullness of being, ‘him’.

I was teary-eyed all through out these scenes and I know that a lot of the people watching were also crying (I know because I heard a lot of sniffs in the dark.) By the time the movie is over and I got out of the movie house, I didn’t expect that I will feel what I felt.

I missed my dad, terribly.

My father died due to heart attack when I was six years old. Looking back, I don’t think I have any memory of my father, at least the ones that really count. I remember one time when he arrived home late at night. I also remembered a night when he and my mom were having a fight about his alcoholism and gambling. Other than that, I don’t think I can remember anything more.

The next thing that I remember is the night when my Mom had to rush out of the house because something happened to my Dad. Then I remember waking up one morning to find my relatives (from both families) inside our house. I think that was the first time I saw them all in one place. Then I remember my grandma watching me as I have my breakfast saying, “Sige kain ka lang. Ubusin mo na yan para makita mo na si Papa mo.” (Rough translation: “Go on, eat. Finish your breakfast so you can finally see your Dad.”) Then they brought me to his coffin at the house next door. I was wondering why there were lots of people in that place, with lots of lights and flowers. I can clearly remember that I was so silent as one of my uncle was carrying me. When I saw my Dad lying there in the coffin, tears just started rolling down my face. At that moment I didn’t understand what was happening, why he was there. I just knew that something’s not right.

Unlike Blake Morrison, I grew up without a Dad. I admit that i can relate to almost all of the situations in the film when it comes to parent-children relationship. The frustrations, the conflicts, the bond, the love. But still it made me wish I had a Dad who is with me as I grew up. It made me ponder what would my life be like have I had a father. Would it be much better or would it be worse?

I’m not complaining about what I, and my family, have right now. God has been good and faithful to my family, how he turned our life around, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything else. This is just a what-coud’ve-been moment. I can’t believe that after 19 years I still miss the father whom I know so little about.

This film may have stirred the sleeping need in me for a father, but it also made me realize that I should cherrish every moment with the people I have in my life. That when the time comes that i am asked when was the last time I actually saw them, in the fullness of their being, I will be able to mention a lot.

To end this post, I would like to pass the same question to you… When did you last see your father?

Quoting Bono

“You see things going on out there and you think, ‘Well, what the hell can I do about it?’ For a lot of people there’s not much a lot you can do about it and all I believe is that everyone in their own way has a position they have to take and if that’s as a mother with snotty nosed kids or a guy in a factory just doing the best he can or being a schoolteacher or a farmer, you just find your ground, your place and you just do the best you can to shine a light on the s**t that’s out there… I’m in a band and I just hope that when it’s all over for U2 that in some way we’ve made the light a bit brighter. Maybe just tore off a corner of the darkness.”

Learning…

 

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. “ – Exodus 14:13

 

            For the past few days now, God is teaching me something. He really makes sure that I get it. From the book that I’m reading, to the sermon that I hear during service, to a friend’s prayer during praise and worship practice. God is clearly telling me something and He wants me to listen.

 

            During the trying time in my life, I prayed to God for help. That time when I needed Him to deliver me from the situation I was in, God led me to this verse in Exodus. It was the exact promise that I really needed. Evidently, God was true to His promise and He made a way to get me out of that situation.

            Consequently, after the solemn prayers and desperation for help, after God has done His part and answered my prayer, I started doing things on my own. Slowly I started to put things on my own hands thinking that I can make things work. I started to believe in myself and almost forgotten that it was God who has done all those things in the first place. I tried everything to make things work, in the ministry, at work, at church, thinking that I can do it. Slowly, I pushed God out of the picture. He was not a part of everything that I do.

            Then life throws me again to a super-typhoon-like situation. A situation where things are not working out the way I expected them to be and they become unmanageable, beyond my capacity and capability. The funny thing about it is we begin to realize how far I have drifted away from God. That’s the time I turn back to Him, groveling, asking for deliverance and admitting that it is beyond me and I can’t do it anymore. Finally, I admit that without Him I can do nothing.

            Then He reminded of the promise that I have forgotten.  I really thought that I am done with this verse as my life verse. I’ve been asking for a new life verse, a new verse that God will use to minister to me. I thought I should be learning something new from God. I thought that holding on to the same promise for a long time only meant that I haven’t surpassed that situation in my life. The truth was God did give me victory over the situation. However, it was the thing that He was teaching me that I missed, big time.  I should have learned something from that situation, otherwise I will continue to commit the same mistake and the story that I have stated above will happen repeatedly.

            From a conversation that happened a long time ago, I remember consulting my friend Andrew how sometimes I don’t seem to hear any word from God.  He told me that maybe there’s something that He is telling me to do that I am not doing. He is not giving me any word because I still have an unfinished business to settle or a task to do. That is exactly the case now.  I still have a lesson to learn and He does not want me to go anywhere until I get it, really get it.

From now on, I will throw away any thinking brought by self-righteousness saying that I can make things happen, I can work things out. Only God can make things happen, and He can make it happen in my life. I should learn to anchor my boat to God and not to myself. I will borrow Lucado’s words and modify it a little. There is only one name under heaven that has the power over everything, and that name is not mine.

 

I’m also learning that if God teaches me something, He makes sure that I hear Him loud and clear, and he makes sure that the learning process continues until I finally get it and do it. God is truly good.

Grace…

“is unearned love – the love that goes before, that greets us on the way. It’s the help you receive when you have no bright ideas left, when you are empty and desperate and have discovered that your best thinking and most charming charm have failed you. Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from the isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrassed and eventually grateful as you are to be there.”

- from Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott

Bigger Writing

Last week, something nice happened. I was invited to submit articles to The War Cry, the Salvation Army newspaper here in the Philippines! Yey!

I’ve been meaning to submit an article before but I was not really sure how or when or what to submit. This idea came up when one churchmate and fellow blogger, Joy, suggested that I submit writings to the newspaper.

But now that it is officially here, that I have been invited and all, that I already know what to write about, that I already know when and where to submit them, it seems like I have lost all courage to submit. It feels like insecurities are starting to creep in.

I’ve never had any serious experience in writing. The only extensive writing I am engage to is blogging, that’s all.

I am stuck in thinking what to write and how I should write them. I need to come up with an article within the week for it to be included in the next issue. Aargh! I’m not even sure if I’m making sense in here. Lol!

Maybe I should start writing an article now, instead of whining. Please keep in your prayers.

The Promise

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalms 147:3

 I read this verse during last Sunday’s worship and it never left me since. I spoke to the congregation during the service and I told them that we are all soldiers, members of God’s army.

And like soldiers who are constantly at war, we get – figuratively - wounded, scratched, handicapped, and at times defeated.

But then God is always there, ready to catch us when we fall, give us hope when we feel defeated, heal our emotional or spiritual wounds, wipe the tears from our eyes.

 He promised that he will never leave us. He never said that it is going to be easy, but He promised that He will be right there, beside us, no matter what happens. He will wrap His arms around us when things are difficult, worst, or just in between. He will tell us, “My child, everything will be alright.”

Then I thought, what if somebody tells me that he is not that wounded, that he’s not really so down or hurt or anything? What if everything around him is working well (or so he thinks)? It made me think, maybe he was not doing that much fighting. Maybe he preferred to be at the back lines where he will face relatively less risks, less assaults.

Life is not easy, I guess it will never be. The only we way we can get through it is when God is right behind us.

The promise that God gives us today is the same promise that He gave Joshua thousands of years ago, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deut. 31 : 6)

Currently, I’m listening to Mercy Me’s song The Promise and I’m telling you if I had not been here in the office, I might have cried. Lol! I created this simple (very simple) video and I’m sharing this to you and I’m praying that you will be encouraged to “fight the good fight of faith”.

I also pray that this will encourage you to stay in the front rows, to look life in the face and be assrured that you (including me) have a God who loves you more than anything in this world and Who will fight with you until the end, until you achieve the victory.

Be blessed!